WRITTEN IN 2019

Nothing and no one are perfect, but you can perfect yourself… I wanted to start a clothing company during Summer 2013. I always loved clothing/fashion/art. Fall 2013; I had gone on the best run of my gambling career. (side note: from 2004 to 2014 I partied, gambled, and ‘hustled’ with the best of them. 10 years nonstop, mildly out of control lol. But I had the time of my life). I was in a pretty good place all in all. I had a shoe box full of money and decided to move back to Hoboken, NJ. I rented a beautiful 1-bedroom bachelor pad at $2,300 a month. I paid 6 months upfront, bought all new ‘toys’ for the place, and… got lost. I was 27. As soon as I signed the lease, I knew I was fucked. I knew it was the biggest mistake I’d made (up to that point).

i could have started my clothing company.

But I was just flat out miserable with myself and hoping the move would help a relationship that had been dead for over a year. Things spiraled out of control. By February 2014, I was in the hole big time from Gambling. I had been down a couple times in my life prior. But maybe $1-2k at most. This was way different. I was drinking every day, eating like an asshole, and not working. My nights would end around 3-4am after the final games were done and I researched the games for the next day, and the alcohol finally put me to sleep. The first thing I’d do in the morning is walk to the liquor store, grab a case of Stella and continue researching and planning to get out of this hole. I watched and looked at nothing but sports 24/7. And then, everything was gone. My dad let me move back home and my amazing aunt helped me financially (but she nor anyone else had any clue how bad of a spot I was actually in). I told them I got fired from my ‘job’ in the city. I was a complete mess. Working construction again, drinking, eating, gambling. Then I did the worst thing I’ve ever done and took money that my grandmother had left. I won’t get into specifics, but it was a nice chunk of change to say the least. (No one knew at that time, but it will come back). That spared me some time and ‘relief’ from the texts and calls from bookies, collections, etc. I’d take some money, then put it back.

Take more the next time, win some bets and put that back, until it was all gone…Spring 2014-September 2015, I was working so things were getting paid. Not fully but at least paid. Friends let me borrow money and I didn’t pay them back on time. I had credit card debt up to my eyeballs. I was still drinking, but not as bad. And still gambling so life was still a mess basically, just a little cleaner mess. I’d go to Newark, in the back of a pizzeria and place bets, place them online, bookies, everything. Thinking I was going to win it all back and return the money. But even if I did, I would never have stopped. All the while waiting for my aunt to find out I had taken that money. Barely sleeping for a year and a half. Then, October 5, 2015 my aunt finally found out. My dad kicked me out and I was lucky enough to have 2 of the best friends in the world that let me stay on their couch for 5 months. Luckily, I still had my brother and mom in my corner during this. Immediately, I started going to GA and therapy.

shortly after that i started painting.

It saved me. I always drew as a kid and loved art. It was a hobby until my freshman year of college when the fun began, I slowly faded out of it. I wanted to be a business man in a suit every day. I started working and by Spring 2016 I rented a room from this guy in my hometown from an ad off craigslist. (It was a start lol). Now, I was actually selling paintings. Then Summer 2016 I got a little studio apartment. Things were getting better little by little. I started talking to my aunt and dad again, I was working, I had a plan to get out of debt, and I was enjoying life again for the first time in a long time. I worked 3 jobs at one point to speed up the process. The problem now was I had gained a huge amount of weight in 2015-16. I just couldn’t focus on working out and eating right with everything else going on. I’d go to the gym, think of something, and immediately just have to leave. But this timeframe wasn’t all bad.

i really got in touch with myself and became stronger than ever.

I watched every movie I ever wanted, every show I missed, and read every book I wanted as well. I was painting and working on the clothing the entire time. Studying and learning my craft. I could have released at least 5 different collections. But if you know me, I wasn’t going to do this and not be the face of the brand. But I was embarrassed to even leave the house at one point let alone take pics in my clothing and put them on Instagram. I missed best friends’ weddings, birthdays, everything because I was embarrassed of myself. At my best I’m 200-210 pounds. Winter 2017 I had reached 366 pounds!!! That was it. Finally, most of my debt was paid off by last spring and I was able to start working out and focusing on that last phase to get the ‘new’ me back. I’m back. This is my story. I’ve hid behind it for 4 years.